Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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