Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
