sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
high people should be assigned attendants
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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