Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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