he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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