I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
