You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
