god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
