Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
