Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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