I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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