I'm really into asian looking animals
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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