fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
