The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
