I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
