When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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