Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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