You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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