Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Randomize
