Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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