It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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