I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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