If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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