The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
