Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
