its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
