There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
