dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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