there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
That accounts for only three of the penises
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
