Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
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