if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
