Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
