I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I think my moral compass just broke
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
