She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
