My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
