I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Randomize
