You smell like a Billy Joel song
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Is Oprah even human
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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