I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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