I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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