just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize