While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
