it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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