I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
