Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
