i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
