atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
