she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
