I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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