We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
