don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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