i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
