Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
