Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
and she was petting her beer can
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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