Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
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