He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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