Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
