Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize