It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
