I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize