There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
