tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
