Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
